Our first deployment is finally coming to an end so I decided that I would reflect on this past year.
I was thrown into the military lifestyle. We met in November and were married in April. He deployed to Iraq on July 20th. I remember realizing in about March how tough this deployment would be. Especially during our first year of marriage. The first day of the deployment I sobbed my fool head off. I was so alone. I went very quickly from my bad marriage into my relationship with Brian, I had not been really alone in almost 10 years. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I went home. I was already headed there for my sister's wedding in mid August so I just figured I would head out there early. It was a mistake. I was not able to come to terms with the loss of my husband on my own and I broke down several times in that first month. The hardest day for me was my sister's wedding. Seeing everyone around me so happy and in love killed me. I was breaking apart. I could not deal and everyone was pulling on me from different directions and all I wanted to do is be alone. I actually left the reception really early and never even danced at my sister's wedding because my anxiety made me not able to function. I drove home and things started to get easier.
Brian and I decided to try to get pregnant over r&r. Our conversations revolved around the possible baby, it was what was keeping us going. He got home for r&r the day after thanksgiving. We had an amazing time. We were sooo happy spending time together. There was no weirdness no space we were one again. He reenlisted and got Hawaii and was promoted to e5. He goes back and I had my hopes held high that we got pregnant.....And we didn't. It hit us both very hard not being able to be there for each other in person.
We got back into the swing of the deployment. In it for the long haul. We had our ups we had our downs. We tried to plan for our future. The Internet drove us nuts and so did Brian hopping around from Platoon to Platoon. He was getting pretty depressed. And then his mom went into the hospital. He was brought home on emergency leave. She was diagnosed with Chrons disease and had part of her intestines removed. Brian and I tried once again to get pregnant unsuccessfully (which again caused huge depression with the both of us) One of our closest couple friends went through a divorce and we somewhat got pulled into it. It was a bad time for us in general. We fought more than we were happy. On the positive during that time, we had our 1st anniversary and both of our birthdays.
Then we started focusing on him coming home. In may my job ended and I got very depressed for an entire month. I stayed in bed and it was a very dark time for me. Brian was very worried. End of June and I finally realized how close it was from him getting home. And then we had a bad storm and all 3 of our vehicles got ruined. I had to deal with it all on my own and did it well. I am very proud of myself.
I have learned alot about myself during this deployment. 1. I am a very strong woman. 2. Our relationship ill last forever 3. I do not need my family to do anything in my life, but they are nice to have around. 4. The holidays are the worst because it is a constant reminder of not having your love one near. 5. I know I made the best decision ever in marrying Brian 6. I would do it all over again because Brian is worth it 7. Brian loves me unconditionally and I have never felt that before in my entire life.
I cannot believe it is almost done. I am very proud of myself for surviving.
